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- content warning (will be listed in blog post)
- long-winded, rant-y post
- content warning (will be listed in blog post)
- long-winded, rant-y post
hey. it's been a while, i know
i've been both very busy and lazy. i've been kinda bad with being on my phone, just lazilly doomscrolling hour upon hour. the us (where i live btw, help me!!) just bombed venezuala and kidnapped president for oil because god forbid any of the pedos and their defenders in office are held accountable for their long list of crimes their crimes, so like, that was fun news to wake up to. those four weeks i'm gonna spend abroad in northern ireland are probably gonna be the best time of my forseable future atp.
it hasn't been all doom and gloom for me though. with all the shit that's been going on in the greater world. i've been managing to make some pretty big steps in my life. for starters, i got a new job after my last one ghosted me when winter break began (like god forbid i want to actually focus on my studies). the drive is far from my place, but it's close to my school so at the very least i'll be able to keep it while i'm at school.
as i mentioned when i was ranting above, i'm looking at a study abroad program being offered by my school! it's an arts-based program based in northern ireland where we learn about building community through the arts, something that i'm really excited about!!!
i've also been spending a lot of time with my friends during winter break too. we had a big party/sleepover at my house for new years eve, and it was really fun. i stood up waaaay later than i normally do (3 am) while my friends went to sleep at like 5 :p
i can't say that this will be the case, but i hope i can keep being active on neocities throughout the new year!
Entering the last week of the semester and I only have one assignment left to do. One problem: I just can’t bring myself to actually finish it. I’ve haven’t felt so burnt out over school in a really long time either. Like my brain is just shrouded in this thick, dense fog where no actual thought can enter or leave. Everything just feels harder to do.
We’re entering winter in NY, everything’s cold, it’s hard to leave the warmth of my bed. I’ve been super tired. And this is all so cyclic for me. I feel like once winter hits all my ambition is thrown out of the window. And it really sucks. There are people I meet in school that I want to build stronger relationships with but once it gets cold, I start to hide myself away to do my own little mindless things.
I’ve been hearing that some people who have had COVID have shown cognitive decline (such as here). I got it back in late 2023 (and possibly in February 2020 before it was declared a global pandemic), and to put it harshly, I’ve felt really stupid ever since. Like yes, I already have a learning disability, but I’ve felt like it’s been harder for me to even think of things. I miss feeling smart.
Maybe it’s because I’m burnt out.
Maybe it’s because it’s winter.
Maybe it’s because of that new game I got.
Maybe it’s because I had COVID.
I just want this semester to be over, man.
Well, as stated quite a bunch on this site, I am a college student. A new media student to be exact (it’s kind of complicated to fully explain, but think of it as technology and art-it’s what taught me how to code!). One of the classes I am taking this semester is Material Distribution, which focuses on how media can reach other people (think stuff like posters, zines, mail). For that class’s final, we had to hold some kind of event and document it. For mine I decided to hold an open event where I get a bunch of people to work on one huge collage together. I made posters for it and put them all over campus (was hard work but I got my steps in!) and waited. I also invited my classmates and a reached out to a few of my friends on campus to boost attendance.
The day came and after setting everything up….. no one came to work on the project for like, an hour. I was starting to get really nervous, until one of my friends came. She was really excited to work on this project and brought a bunch of materials. We were debriefing for a bit before she got started on the collage.
I said that I was scared that this project was going to fail because I don’t have many close friends on campus, and I wasn’t even sure if the people in my class even liked me, or if they were just tolerating my presence to be nice.
I’m quite a self-doubter, it’s been a problem of mine for a long time. None of my classmates ever showed or gave off the feeling that they didn’t like me, but I still feel excluded from time to time (I’m a transfer while all of them have known each other for longer). Plus, I have a hard time trying to fit in and join a conversation without feeling like I’m interrupting anyone, since (again, self-doubter speaking) I think other people don’t want to hear what I’m saying.
She listened to me vent for a while, saying that she also feels this way too, and that she’s always gonna have my back. It felt really nice to hear that. She also managed to wrangle her partner and two of her friends to work on the collage. It felt nice to just sit with a small group of people and make are together. Eventually, I had to pack it all up, I had work, so I left the collage and the materials in a workshop on the upper floor of the same building.
The next day, right after work, I check in the workshop again to check if my stuff was still there, and to my surprise, one of my classmates was actually working on it! They thought the idea was really cool and really wanted to come. Actually, a lot of people were saying that, and it made me feel better overall :]